Burning, breaking, buried.
My life, my hope, my heart.
Smoldering to the very last ounce,
My eyes couldn’t bear it.
My childhood-crushed and forgotten,
My future- now dim and desolate.
This moment- one I will never forget
The cries, the fear, the desperation,
Smash me into reality
Kick me into despair
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I really liked the last stanza because of the voice portrayed within it. It really speaks to you. I think expanding the poem by adding what happend and not just the "Aftermath" would be very helpful when trying to understand the poem
ReplyDeleteGreat Job Kara!!!! I really enjoyed reading your poem. One thing though, did you mean to connect childhood and crush? Also, there might be a better impact on the reader if you but The cries, The Fear, The Desperation each on a seperate line. Though, all around good job :DDDDD
ReplyDeleteThe line that stands out to me the most is "Burning, breaking, buried" because it's such a great entrance into this poem. I like your use of alliteration there. I like to see more imagery, especially in the last stanza, or maybe by adding another concluding stanza.
ReplyDeleteThe animal this most reminds me of is Chuck Norris because the person whom has been attacked by him is left in the same state of despair that the person is in the poem. I like how in your second stanza you used those dashes, it gave a brockeness to the poem which is exactly what I think your trying to show, that this person is broken. I agree with Imondi about the line that stands out the most because it makes a person imagine something breaking, burning away and then being forgotten in the depths of the Earth. One of our native fears is being buried alive and another burned. I think that is why those two words stood out and why that line was good where it was. I also liked your ending, it really gives the reader a kick of reality to, that this could happen to everyone.
ReplyDeleteNICE KARA! yeah i agree with whats been saaid, you have great immagery, and i also like the alliteration, it definaly packs a punch, i would however make the story more specific, because right now its a little general, almost like thats applable to annyones story....make it specifc, if you can see not only the aftermath but all the specific things destroyed ansd forgotten, it will come across to us, and we will see it better too...try describing life befor, because then we will conect and it will feel as if we (the readers) are loosing something too...but definatly keep working on it its great...:)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Imondi. I really like the line, "Burning, breaking, buried." Like he said, it has a great use of alliteration and it's a great entrance to pull the reader in. You could add more metaphors, similies or other figurative language. Also, you can show instead of telling. Otherwise, good job &keep it up! =].
ReplyDeleteHeyy, good work Kara! Like Mr. Imondi said before, I really liked how you started out the poem, by dividing up all those adjectives with commas and giving each one of them their own meaning. In a way, it really played on the emotions within me, especially those that give you mixed feelings, which you can't really describe in words- those emotions that you just feel sometimes, and don't know what they are. Writing it in present tense was a really good idea too- reading it like that really helped me imagine what it would be like to be in the speaker's shoes, looking at things from his or her own eyes, amongst the desperation of the rubble.
ReplyDeleteSo good!! I liked the rhythm and meter that you used in your poem. The pauses made by the commas, made the poem seem much more dramatic. I liked your title "Aftermath", but I personally feel that you should have a better one. The poem that you wrote shows so much power, but your title seems a bit ordinary and overused. Other than that, the emotion that you are able to get from your reader is amazing. I really felt my heart strings being pulled.
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