Monday, February 22, 2010
SHORT STORY #1
Ever since she was small, she put pride and passion into everything she did- from her great grade point average, to her starting spot on the softball team, to perfecting her NSSYMA song. With all that effort, she just wanted someone to appreciate it. On the way home from school each day, she would casually say, “So, I got an A on my math test.” Her mother would not even turn her head, would not even smile, and would not even care. “Great.” She muttered monotonously. When she made the game winning catch on the softball field, she gazed into the cheering crowd with an ounce of hope, but knew there would never be a time she saw her parents in the midst of the crowd, huddled on the bleachers. As the game was ended, parents fled onto the field and instantly embraced their daughters. She was left alone. All she wanted was to make them proud. She wanted to see her parents faces light up when she showed them her test, or dived for the ball. She wanted them to smile at her with loving eyes, and tell her they loved her, and that they were proud of her. She watched others with a deep longing for what they have. She watched the girl sitting next to her open a brown bag, pull out an apple, with a note saying, “Have a nice day, love Mom.” She watched the first baseman jump up and down while her parents are cheering frantically from behind the fence.
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The beginning of this piece is really descriptive and clear. You used a lot of great details to describe the girl. In order to make this into a full length story you should create a conflict. Also, I think that in your full length story you should describe the girl's parents more, so that the reader gets a better idea of what they are like and how they feel about their daughter.
ReplyDeletedear kara,
ReplyDeleteyou're writing is very exquisite. it really plays on my emotions and appeals to my pathos. some sentences are a bit awkward, but besides that you have everything else and i'd definitely keep on reading. i think it is ineffable for me to describe how much i like your literature. mkay(=
love, yonibear
This is actually interesting with a few ways to continue. Assuming that said girl is of high school age there are numerous continuations. As we all have a drive to be accepted, girls especially, so that opens way to show her what her friends like or maybe add the twist that perhaps her parents are not so un able to like there daughter and perhaps they do. but I do have a problem, assuming this is high school age why would there be anyone with a note from there mom in there lunch? Or is that to show that she is jealous of the nerds when she is more succesful?
ReplyDeleteGood job Kara!!! I think you already have a good conflict about how the girl's mother 'doesn't love her'. I think you should just expand the problem a bit to get more of a problem and solution.
ReplyDeleteYou got the message through the reader clear and descriptively. I think that was really good for an introduction. Later you shoud definately add more about the character herself, what her personality is like and where she lives. You should also add an event that could bond her and her parents together or the opposite.
ReplyDeleteCurtin,
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start to a story. You immediately put us into the conflict. I agree with many of your classmates. You should try to incorporate some scenes with her parents so we can get a sense of what she's dealing with. Also, be careful that her life is not entirely sad because that might turn readers off. There's probably some part of her life that's at least a little positive.